Okay, just had a quick brain blast--or maybe it's a revelation. Yeah, that's it. 

So...I'm tired of my characters. All of them. 

See, I think they've gotten kind of old. Not old, old but old enough in the way my mind works. I still love them all dearly but I have no desire to really write about any of them. Other than a few retconned bios with some of my lesser Thaddeus characters, I don't care much about them anymore, sad as it is to admit it. 

I'm not even really all that interested in the newer ones either.

I don't know what it is--I haven't been happy with my writing in a long time and it seems like every time I bring it up with one of my instructors or classmates in school they just kind of blow it off and tell me to do a few prompts and work through it. Don't get me wrong; I know that those solutions can work and maybe they're the answer anyway but...well, no. No, I've tired those solutions, I really have, and honestly I think it's deeper than that. You know, it's funny...one of my instructors during my first semester told me that the fic department I'm in has been likened to a "cult". In a weird way, I sort of feel like I've got a lapse in "faith" now with the greater purpose my "cult" seems to be working toward. I'm not there anymore and it's been like this a long time. Kind of like a sickness. I sit down, write, but there's no joy. I have a few bursts of inspirations, a few happy writing sessions, but then it all just wanes and I'm back to feeling depressed and unfulfilled. 

Just thought of something else too: in Kiki's Delivery Service--a movie by Hayao Miyazaki--Kiki, the main character, is a witch and suddenly one night she just kind of loses her powers. She can't fly her broom, she can't talk to her black cat Jiji...she just doesn't have it anymore. Nothing magical happened to make her lose it, no big battles with rival witches and enemies, her mood just got really dark and then it was gone. I kind of feel like that is what's happened to me. In the movie, she just sort of chilled and hung out with this artist chick to sort of reevaluate her life and put things into perspective. Is that what I need to do? Sit back a while, chill, and just let it all come back to me? Really hard to when the whole friggin department is constantly pushing you to generate, generate, generate. And you know what sucks!? That is the perfect motivator for someone like me! PERFECT. So why the hell isn't it taking? WHY AM I NOT MOTIVATED!!!!!?????

Ahh. I feel lost. My writing is one of the most worthwhile things I have going for me. I can't do a whole slew of other stuff. If I lose it...I'm afraid of what will happen.

All right. Enough of that for now. I'm going to just...I don't know...something...