Seriously. Help me find it someone.
I don't know what my problem is. I'm just not motivated to do much of anything these days aside from Netflixin', worrying about scholarships and finding a job, and driving. That's 'bout it. I guess this counts for SOMETHING now but let's see if I can actually finish the entry. Oh boy...
Yeah. I don't want to write. I do and then I don't. I sit down, open up a blank Word doc, sit and stare at it for a few secs and then I'm back on tvtropes.org wasting the hours away. I don't care enough about it. Yeah, I'm scared to death that I will waste all my time procrastinating, wasting precious time I could be devoting to writing on doing nothing but then I'm not that worried--not that worried because I don't care. I don't want to care about it right now. I don't want to try or concentrate or focus. I do and then I don't. The urge to turn away, to run and hide, is what's strongest right now. I don't really care about much--other than wasting time and avoiding writing. It's bad, I know, but I guess if I really cared I'd be doing something about it.
Man. I use to feel so guilty when I was in class back at Colum. All these people would be waxing about their writing, how they were doing, where they were going with it, and I would sit and feel like a piece of shit: here I am in this expenisve ass art school, in this really cool hipstery city, and I'm doing nothing but going to class everyday, avoiding my homework, and watching Netflix. What the hell, me?
I don't know. It's a fear thing, I know. I want to do it, but I'm both overwhelmed, afraid, and too lazy to take the reins and just keep going. It's a sad thing. I'm a sad thing right now.
I guess I'll bounce back. This is helping a bit, but why do I hate everything I write right now? I can't even get excited about smutty, guilty pleasure writing that involves gratuitous amounts of buttfuckery and...well, other sleazy things. I can't excited about that stuff. I don't care about plots, characters, themes, what have you. I think I just need to care about writing period, in whatever capacity that may be.
It'll happen, peeps. Just stick with me a lil' bit.
