It really is, ya'll.
Things aren't going so well right now. My life, school, my family...everything is really shitty and I feel like I'm watching all of it come to head behind a thick glass window and I don't know how to stop any of it. I don't know how to break that glass. I thought this summer...I thought all summers...was supposed to be a relaxing time full of vacations, lazy days, afternoon naps and endless bouts of watering my crops on Harvest Moon. So that when August came around I would be primped and ready for the next school year, ready to tackle all my fears and...
Nothing.
I've never had a summer like that, not in a real long time. Summers for me have always been about death and change and watching my mother's face get more drawn as she resigned herself to signing away money we could have used for food so that she could pay a bill or satisfy a growing overdraft in her bank account. Summers for me have long stopped be fun and lazy and carefree...they're just a few months to prepare for more heartache when winter comes along...a grace period before the inevitable swallows us all whole.
That's life, I know, and I'm preaching to the choir here with all my complaining but I just always thought...I always thought that when things got as bad as they are now that something would happen, you know? All the stories I use to read, about plucky kids down on their luck with magical dragons underneath their beds and fantasy realms in their closets...I always thought that would happen to me. That some deus ex machina factor would shine into my life and everything would be fine. We would all be saved. My mom use to always tell me, "It will get better, everything will be fine" but as I grew older I realized that it was just a band aid. A band aid on a wound that was growing more and more diseased and pus filled as the years wore on. It's at its boiling point now. It has festered and bubbled in the heat of all the chaos of our lives and it's about to burst. We're about to move into a cramped apartment with little space to do anything; I'm headed back to school with a huge bill I can't pay for; I think my relationship with my dad and stepmom is about to finally take that long awaited plunge it's been threatening to take...it's about to get a whole lot worse before it even gets average.
I don't know what to do. I would like to be naive and Disney-optimistic and say that writing is what's going to fix everything, my writing, but who am I kidding? I'll never be able to make any money off this thing, I don't have the drive or talent to keep it going. I'm looking at coming back to school early, going to community college, and getting a dead end nine to five job somewhere that only pays the rent while I scrounge for saltines in the back of my pantry because I can't afford food. Things are going to get worse...I've long stopped wondering if better was even an options for us, for me.
Not feeling too good about the future right now...if I even have one.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
The Writing Life (or lack thereof...)
Hahhhh...
Not writing in a long time is a LOT like not exercising for a long time. All the muscles you may have previously built up turn into mush when you try to take it up all over again.
I think I need to regulate myself to a schedule. I'm a repetition person; routine is my friend, my guiding light. When I continually do something over and over again it forces me to concentrate. I have a spontaneous mind and I get bored easily--not such a good thing when you're trying to make writing your career of choice.
So yeah, I need to work on getting on a schedule and sticking to it like glue.
On another note, I've been trolling George R. R. Martin's blog a little bit these past few days (excuse me, not his blog but his livejournal that acts as a mouthpiece for some of his current happenings and projects, ie possibly a way to placate his ravenous Song of Ice and Fire groupies).
On it he said that he isn't one of those "ooh look at me, I wrote three pages today, guys!" kind of writers, though not in so many words. Yes, it made me feel guilty because that is exactly what I set out for this blog to be---a kind of validation of me trying to recapture my prose generating mojo along with tracking my day to day writing progress. I'm guessing Martin's thinking is more akin to "just DO it and stop bitching about why you CAN'T do it".
Yeah, but I'm not some Santa Claus beard, hat wearing 63 year old generating MACHINE who has a hit tv series on HBO based on his books, a new anthology coming out every other month along with a possible FILM adaptation of one of his said anthologies, who can afford to basically sit on his ASS for a year and do nothing but watch Netflix and eat Chinese food without worry of cementing a pathway toward failure in his life.
(Okay. So maybe not but...yeah, I do sort of wish I could do that...a year of just staying at home--loss of social skills and friends aside--on my ass, pigging out on all the food I want and watching reruns of old shows on Netflix that I'm glad I missed when they were airing on TV so that I can watch them to my leisure...speaking of that, how great is Desperate Housewives? Chick lit, rom-com, grocery store romance novel cliches aside, how CAN you ignore all the great arcs and plot line and character drama when you are a TOTAL drama whore like I am? Can't be done)
Welps, I need to get this writing thing in order. My well is dry, my motivation is less than stellar, and, yes, I am in doubt about my potential as a writer/author one day but I get up every morning thinking about my stories, my characters, and sitting down and writing about them. How can I be wrong about this?
On another note, I happened to find this little piece Martin wrote on his not-blog about fanfiction.
Now Martin's stance on the subject has been passed around enough I think to call it old news, but I still feel like it's an issue that's always worth talking about. In a nutshell, Martin doesn't like fanfiction because he sees it as a sort of killing, I guess, of the things he knows and loves about his favorite series including his own work.
Me? Well, I am one of those dastardly fanfiction writers. Not the ones who insert a buttload of OCC's and strange plot lines and retcon into my favorite existing works, but I do occasionally (not as much as I use to) write some short story about a particular character or characters that I like and make some weird shit happen to them.
So what?
I get Martin's stamp of disapproval on his own work but the rest of his entry sort of came across as judgmental to me. He at the very least seems to be a purist of the highest order, and to him I'm guessing anything that changes the initial vision of some pre-existing work needs to go some place and burn and die quickly. Again, I totally get his sensitivity toward his own work but writing fanfiction off as this ungodly movement that is dedicated to making some characters gay or bringing back to life otherwise mutilated protagonists just seems really...unfair to me. Or maybe whiny is the word I'm looking for.
Yes, published authors have the right to cease fanfiction on their own work--I totally get that. But then going back and saying all these things about why fanfiction is bad and why fanficton writers are bad writers and fans, blah, blah, well, you're kind of beating a dead horse to me. You can't stop fans from wanting more from your worlds, you can't stop people from reading your book and wishing something else would have happened to your character,you can't stop a fan from daydreaming of a scenario where...I don't know...one of your characters comes to them in a monokini offering a cocktail and hot steamy sex. I mean, I think it's sort of an honor if someone wants to have hot dream sex with a character you've created but I guess the idea grosses Martin out. Again, that's okay.
He says he understands that fans can connect so deeply with a work that he/she would feel so incensed as to make up a story featuring them so what's with calling out fanfiction as the destruction of all good ideas in a story? And maybe he wasn't really doing that, but again it just seemed like he's one disgruntled fan--who also happens to have written a pretty great bestselling fantasy series about dudes fighting over an uncomfortable chair--who doesn't like it when people change the things he knows and loves.
I'm kind of the same way, but I'm sympathetic to fanfic writers. Not only because I kinda am one, but it just seems really totalitarian of me to stop fans from writing about my work because I don't want to see a beloved character of mine turned into a hooker or something. It's fine when it's your own work, but decrying the whole practice is a little harsh. Fans come in all shapes and sizes, not every fanfiction is full of Mary Sues or senseless violence.
I don't know. Like I said, his stance is old, this subject is continually debated, but my final verdict is that if I ever--by some weird act of motivation or eye opening revelation that I have GOT to get my ass into gear and write, write, WRITE--then I'm totally cool with people writing fics about my work. I won't go as far as to help them develop it or something like that but it's okay if it happens. You can't stop fan imagination, you can't stop people from wanting more, and I mean...when you set out to write fiction isn't that what you kind of hoped would happen in the first place?
At least I do.
Not writing in a long time is a LOT like not exercising for a long time. All the muscles you may have previously built up turn into mush when you try to take it up all over again.
I think I need to regulate myself to a schedule. I'm a repetition person; routine is my friend, my guiding light. When I continually do something over and over again it forces me to concentrate. I have a spontaneous mind and I get bored easily--not such a good thing when you're trying to make writing your career of choice.
So yeah, I need to work on getting on a schedule and sticking to it like glue.
On another note, I've been trolling George R. R. Martin's blog a little bit these past few days (excuse me, not his blog but his livejournal that acts as a mouthpiece for some of his current happenings and projects, ie possibly a way to placate his ravenous Song of Ice and Fire groupies).
On it he said that he isn't one of those "ooh look at me, I wrote three pages today, guys!" kind of writers, though not in so many words. Yes, it made me feel guilty because that is exactly what I set out for this blog to be---a kind of validation of me trying to recapture my prose generating mojo along with tracking my day to day writing progress. I'm guessing Martin's thinking is more akin to "just DO it and stop bitching about why you CAN'T do it".
Yeah, but I'm not some Santa Claus beard, hat wearing 63 year old generating MACHINE who has a hit tv series on HBO based on his books, a new anthology coming out every other month along with a possible FILM adaptation of one of his said anthologies, who can afford to basically sit on his ASS for a year and do nothing but watch Netflix and eat Chinese food without worry of cementing a pathway toward failure in his life.
(Okay. So maybe not but...yeah, I do sort of wish I could do that...a year of just staying at home--loss of social skills and friends aside--on my ass, pigging out on all the food I want and watching reruns of old shows on Netflix that I'm glad I missed when they were airing on TV so that I can watch them to my leisure...speaking of that, how great is Desperate Housewives? Chick lit, rom-com, grocery store romance novel cliches aside, how CAN you ignore all the great arcs and plot line and character drama when you are a TOTAL drama whore like I am? Can't be done)
Welps, I need to get this writing thing in order. My well is dry, my motivation is less than stellar, and, yes, I am in doubt about my potential as a writer/author one day but I get up every morning thinking about my stories, my characters, and sitting down and writing about them. How can I be wrong about this?
On another note, I happened to find this little piece Martin wrote on his not-blog about fanfiction.
Now Martin's stance on the subject has been passed around enough I think to call it old news, but I still feel like it's an issue that's always worth talking about. In a nutshell, Martin doesn't like fanfiction because he sees it as a sort of killing, I guess, of the things he knows and loves about his favorite series including his own work.
Me? Well, I am one of those dastardly fanfiction writers. Not the ones who insert a buttload of OCC's and strange plot lines and retcon into my favorite existing works, but I do occasionally (not as much as I use to) write some short story about a particular character or characters that I like and make some weird shit happen to them.
So what?
I get Martin's stamp of disapproval on his own work but the rest of his entry sort of came across as judgmental to me. He at the very least seems to be a purist of the highest order, and to him I'm guessing anything that changes the initial vision of some pre-existing work needs to go some place and burn and die quickly. Again, I totally get his sensitivity toward his own work but writing fanfiction off as this ungodly movement that is dedicated to making some characters gay or bringing back to life otherwise mutilated protagonists just seems really...unfair to me. Or maybe whiny is the word I'm looking for.
Yes, published authors have the right to cease fanfiction on their own work--I totally get that. But then going back and saying all these things about why fanfiction is bad and why fanficton writers are bad writers and fans, blah, blah, well, you're kind of beating a dead horse to me. You can't stop fans from wanting more from your worlds, you can't stop people from reading your book and wishing something else would have happened to your character,you can't stop a fan from daydreaming of a scenario where...I don't know...one of your characters comes to them in a monokini offering a cocktail and hot steamy sex. I mean, I think it's sort of an honor if someone wants to have hot dream sex with a character you've created but I guess the idea grosses Martin out. Again, that's okay.
He says he understands that fans can connect so deeply with a work that he/she would feel so incensed as to make up a story featuring them so what's with calling out fanfiction as the destruction of all good ideas in a story? And maybe he wasn't really doing that, but again it just seemed like he's one disgruntled fan--who also happens to have written a pretty great bestselling fantasy series about dudes fighting over an uncomfortable chair--who doesn't like it when people change the things he knows and loves.
I'm kind of the same way, but I'm sympathetic to fanfic writers. Not only because I kinda am one, but it just seems really totalitarian of me to stop fans from writing about my work because I don't want to see a beloved character of mine turned into a hooker or something. It's fine when it's your own work, but decrying the whole practice is a little harsh. Fans come in all shapes and sizes, not every fanfiction is full of Mary Sues or senseless violence.
I don't know. Like I said, his stance is old, this subject is continually debated, but my final verdict is that if I ever--by some weird act of motivation or eye opening revelation that I have GOT to get my ass into gear and write, write, WRITE--then I'm totally cool with people writing fics about my work. I won't go as far as to help them develop it or something like that but it's okay if it happens. You can't stop fan imagination, you can't stop people from wanting more, and I mean...when you set out to write fiction isn't that what you kind of hoped would happen in the first place?
At least I do.
Monday, July 2, 2012
No More Excuses
Hurrr.
You know, I really don't want to use this blog for complaining, or at the very least not for too much complaining. Which I tend to do a LOT.
So in mentioning this I'm not complaining, but venting, maybe? Just blogging about it, I guess.
Gotta find a job for school, work study, pretty big deal. I don't have a huge bill to tackle but it's definitely going to inflate if I don't cut it down some by finding a job. Work in Chicago (*cue Ms. Krabappel laugh*--or is it Flanders now?).
But yeah, it's gotta be done. Not happy about that and only because I'm so nervous about actually finding a job. I don't really know what I'm good at and if anyone wants me to handle their money I'm majorly screwed (as are they).
Yeah. Not gonna complain. Complaining just breeds bad feelings about stuff you know is mandatory and if anyone is like me they know that their complaining is actually a form of procrastination. Excuse-making. Complaining breeds excuses and vice versa. You know what really works for me when it comes to getting a job done? Doing it. Not overthinking it unless it requires some hard thinking.
Same goes with my writing I guess. I produce my best writing when I actually sit me arse down and belt out two or three pages of prose, rather nonsensical or illuminating.
I need to get into this new way of thinking now. Or maybe not thinking, just doing.
Annnnd I'm out.
You know, I really don't want to use this blog for complaining, or at the very least not for too much complaining. Which I tend to do a LOT.
So in mentioning this I'm not complaining, but venting, maybe? Just blogging about it, I guess.
Gotta find a job for school, work study, pretty big deal. I don't have a huge bill to tackle but it's definitely going to inflate if I don't cut it down some by finding a job. Work in Chicago (*cue Ms. Krabappel laugh*--or is it Flanders now?).
But yeah, it's gotta be done. Not happy about that and only because I'm so nervous about actually finding a job. I don't really know what I'm good at and if anyone wants me to handle their money I'm majorly screwed (as are they).
Yeah. Not gonna complain. Complaining just breeds bad feelings about stuff you know is mandatory and if anyone is like me they know that their complaining is actually a form of procrastination. Excuse-making. Complaining breeds excuses and vice versa. You know what really works for me when it comes to getting a job done? Doing it. Not overthinking it unless it requires some hard thinking.
Same goes with my writing I guess. I produce my best writing when I actually sit me arse down and belt out two or three pages of prose, rather nonsensical or illuminating.
I need to get into this new way of thinking now. Or maybe not thinking, just doing.
Annnnd I'm out.
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