(on a small note, I've been thinking about passive-aggressively playing this song after some bad sex. I love you, Norah)
Wanna know something funny? I just spent an hour so hunting down this article published on Buzzfeed. It was a list of authors/writers who use social media a lot (would still love a link). One writer in particular I immediately connected with: she hadn't written her book yet, but was still tweetin' and blogging about her efforts. I was trying to find her website to see if it was "okay" for me to put (what I consider) rather banal things on my blog.
Doesn't that sound awfully silly?
It does to me. An hour of my time wasted to look for validation. I'm always trying to do that. So many of us are always trying to do that, and while it's not such a bad thing, I realize that I could have just started writing and saved myself the trouble.
I'm always trying to validate this blog. I'm always trying to validate my reasons for writing what I write on here, or find valid things to be written on here. I tell myself I'm "looking for inspiration" but I'm just wasting time. And I'm so tired at the end of the search.
I'm going through something right now. I just am. That's hard to admit, but that's my life at this instant. I just got out a bad, bad relationship. An abusive one. Everyday, I experience these horrible flashbacks of what he did, or said, and I just sit and stare and get so angry. Or so sad. I feel trapped. How do I stop feeling this awful hurt? I try to talk it out, I try to engage those moments, but it's still like plunging back into a dark, dark hole. I hate being in that place. I don't know if it's natural or not; it just hurts like hell.
I suppose it might be having some effect on my writing, but it's just having a plain effect on everything. I see his face, remember the way he smelled, or the feeling of his mouth on mine--I get so sick. I wanna cry. I feel this bad ache in my chest and I just wish it would stop.
I guess I just needed to say that.
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