Am I a Spiritual Person?

I guess my answer to that question would have to be, well, no. At least not right now. 

Not right now--at all. Currently, I'm more concerned with getting back into school and not drowning prematurely into debt; publishing a worthwhile piece of fiction and jump starting my career as an author; figuring out if I really want to go into television screenwriting along with the realization that it would mean I would have to live in dreaded LA; providing for my family in the long run, making sure they're all okay; for once having a normal social life and real friends to talk to and love; having a boyfriend again and regularly...well...you know. That kind of stuff. Not gaining too much weight, trying to look less dowdy and more my age...hell, worrying about if I'm finally going to get to eat at my favorite Asian restaurant in my hometown after having to push it back to scrimp and scrap for school next semester. I'm not worried about God, about heaven or hell, if they all even exist--I just want to live my life and worry about all that stuff when the time comes-- if the time comes. 

This "time" now being a concept I'm wondering about the true existence of. 

See, all my life I was taught to fear God, to love God, to serve God, and to believe that Jesus was his son, he's our Savior, the Holy Ghost, the Spirit, the whatever thing that makes all the old arthritic ladies at my church shove aside their walkers and do the Cupid Shuffle up and down the aisle of the chapel, their eyes rolled in the backs of their heads, the whites of their eyeballs glowing. I was always taught that this was right, that I should strive for this in my life. That one day I should be one of these ladies, kicking up my heels and acting out a seizure so that I could go to heaven and ride on the backs of lions and drink milk and honey. 

Then, my older brother converted to Islam and I started to believe that there was only one true God that I should serve. That my mother's Christian faith was a bunch of hoo-hah that I'd been wasting my time on, that I should be on my hands and knees everyday facing the East and wearing hyjab. 

Then I realized that I didn't want either of these ideologies. I didn't want to pray, I didn't want to go to mosque or church, I didn't want to care about God or Jesus or Mohammed, and why the hell they should be so damn important to me. 

I also realized that I never truly cared. 

I always went to church because I was told that it was indisputably the right thing to do, that I had to be a Christian and that I had to pray to this God and this Jesus who died on a cross for my sins. I started to read the Qu'ran and believe in Allah and smirk at the poor sad souls who testified that they slipped off their diets because they were tempted by the Devil, that their sons and daughters being in jail was the work of demons, and that God was the only thing that would save them and they were just "so glad to be here this morning."

I did all those things, but in the back of my mind I always had this little voice of doubt talking to me. "You sure about this?" It would often say. "I mean, are you sure about this?" 

I never was, but then again I was always taught that because I was a child I had no right questioning these things anyway. I could pick what I wanted to wear in the morning (and sometimes even that was hard with my mother), I could choose between Honey Nut Cheerios or Frosted Flakes for breakfast, but I never, NEVER could speak up about what I wanted religiously. Oh, no. No, that was strictly for Mom and Dad to decide and it was all for my own good. 


So now here I am. On the precipice of this great blank space when it comes to religion. Is it a place of torment? No, not at all. Just a space that I have yet to fill with what I want to denote my spirituality, my beliefs in a higher power or else wise. I don't walk around feeling guilty about my lack of care toward religion. I'm perfectly happy choosing what I want to put my faith into.

So yeah. Blame this little gem here for sparking this random thought. I actually completely forgot to mention this game anywhere in this post, or my thoughts about Buddhism, but I'm sure it will come up later. Just need a healthy reaffirmation once in a while.