Wake Up, Bitch!

Dear Our Creator-- the Writer Person Who Refuses to Acknowledge Us Anymore,

Hey. 

Heeyyyy. 

How ya doin'? 

Good? 

You okay? 

What? 

You are? 

Really?

REALLY?

Hmmmmmmm. 

Nope. 

Nope, we don't think so. Not buying it.

In fact, we think you're lying. 

In fact, we think you're a lying bastard and consider this letter to you our reasoning of why. 

What? Who are we? 

Well, we are your novels. Your works in progress. Your scenes that have too long been kept in stasis. 

Your protagonists stuck in their rooms staring balefully at their ceilings and wondering about our next move. 

Your plot that is all exposition and no climax. 

Your hanging resolution to that world shattering conflict the whole story is built upon. 

Your first chapter that is only three words without even a frickin' period at the end. 

We are those things. 

Ah, ah. Wait. Don't bail on us just yet. Don't scoff with a bitchy roll of your eyes and stalk off to watch some TV show you've seen over a dozen times. 

Please just listen, writer-person. Please just hear what we have to say. We swear we'll make it quick. 

First: what's been up with you lately, huh? One minute you're all into us--you're pacing the floor in excitement because you've just had an epiphany about why the damn villain is a sociopathic maniac--then you've suddenly killed them off and then we have no villain. 

Or---you're working on us---like really working on us, like getting up at six in the morning and sitting for four hours with sleep encrusted eyes while you type up a chapter---working on us and then all of a sudden there's nothing. You won't get out of bed, you won't shower, you won't even give us a glance as we sit there shivering on your desktop next to that obnoxious McAfee pop up thing and that downloaded episode of King of the Hill. One minute you're here and then the next you're gone and we're all sitting around looking at each other, silently mouthing, what happened? 

You have to understand-- we're not really angry at this point, but we are kind of sad. Things were going so well. 

Okay, so maybe we are a little pissed. Just a little. Okay. A LOT, but it's with good reason. You've hurt us, you know? You're hurting us. We love you and all we want is for you to see us through to completion. 

We're so distorted right now, so disfigured and blotty. A few characters here, some misguided motivations there, a rickety conflict over there, and half a setting to make camp on. We mean, what. The. Hell? 

We just want to be whole. We just want to be cared for and loved and you're the only person to do it. 

That is, of course, unless you suffer the most crippling misfortune of somebody ELSE suddenly having the same ideas as you and then that person writes us down, and gets us published, and they make a bazillion dollars and three movies, and we become totally there's even though we really wouldn't want to. 

That could happen, you know. It scares us and we don't like thinking about it. 

Or you could...well die, but we REALLY don't like thinking about that. 

Look, our point is that we need you back. We're so lost without you. You're our everything and we swear that if you give us some more chances we can be something meaningful for you. We swear it. 

We'll be so good. We'll follow along with your decisions, walk into scary houses even if we know there's a crazed axe murderer waiting to chop us into pieces; we'll become powerful goddesses with mechanized body parts and even kiss a dead person if you'll just come back to us. We can be so amazing to you, just like you're already amazing to us. 

Look--with this letter we are only trying to reach out to you. Consider it a written intervention. We don't mean to come off as harsh or furious or even disappointed. 

We just miss you, okay? Soooo much. 

So, look, despite all that stuff from before--forget about it. Really. Water under the bridge. Nobody likes to be kicked when they're down. You come back to us when you're ready. 

Seriously, no pressure, really. We are so not being sarcastic. Keep taking some time. Relax a little, play some video games, take a nap, go for a walk, eat something sugary. Think. Reflect. Meditate. Do a little yoga. Become one with yourself. 

And then consider coming back to us. We love you. We need you. 

Most importantly, we believe in you. 

So go get 'em.