Going Back Again

So, I'm heading back to school on Saturday. 

Oh, wait, on another note I just want to put out there that no one reads this blog. At least I don't think they do. So sometimes it feels weird posting this on the internet and saying things that are obviously addressed to a supposed "audience", but for all I know no one reads this blog. Don't worry (see I'm doing it again--who the hell am I telling not to worry?) I'm not going to use this as another source of whining but sometimes I feel conflicted about posting because it's kind of weird writing stuff down, in such a public stratosphere as the internet, and nobody responds to what you're talking about. But, eh, no so different than the non-cyber world if you ask me. At least in my experience. 

Anyway, I'm leaving. I'm conflicted about this. I want to go back because it's, duh, Chicago and Chicago is awesome. But then I don't really want to leave home. Home means safety, it means not having to worry about having enough money for books and clothes that will make me look less dowdy. It means not having to constantly wonder if everyone around me THINKS I look dowdy. It means...god, it means everything. Home is a sanctuary, my mother's little cramped, three bedroom apartment is a place of refuge for me and my anxieties. I feel safe there, like nothing can hurt until I walk out the door and enter the real world. Maybe I've gotten too close to home for my own good, but there it is. I going to miss it. I'm going to miss my family. 

I'm a little afraid, I guess. Or maybe it's dread that's the prevailing emotion here.